A Disciple’s Diary, Entry 6 of 7

Note: For Easter Week, based on the canonical gospel accounts and, particularly John 20, my imagined journal entries in an equally imaginary recently discovered mid-first century manuscript, translated from the original Aramaic, of a previously unknown and yet unnamed follower of Jesus of Nazareth.


I am weary. Worn from sorrow and fear. If I but could sleep. Yet, e’en in slumber, I dare know I would find no rest. For in my dreams, my nightmares, I would see Jesus, bleeding, dying.

A moment ago, Mary Magdalene came to us, saying, “I have seen the Lord!” She told us she saw Jesus at the tomb. She thought he was the gardener, but when he called her name, “Mary,” she knew it was Jesus.

We did not believe her. I did not believe her. Her experience, only an emanation of her love, an expression of her longing.

I love and long for Jesus.

What will we do without him? What will I do without him?

Perchance nothing but die.

© 2021 PRA

2 thoughts on “A Disciple’s Diary, Entry 6 of 7

  1. Ohhhh this REALLY spoke to me Paul! “What to do without Jesus?” So often when people die, we change our ways and our behavior to “make the dead person proud”. I’ll never forget when my cousin died suddenly in a head one car accident right before our 40th birthday (we were two weeks apart). Her youngest daughter had been giving her a ton of teenage trouble and there was the fear she wasn’t going to graduate from high school. But when her Mom died, she went to every teacher and asked what she needed to do to graduate. They not only told her the requested info but they all helped her by coming in early or staying late with her to ensure she succeeded. When she walked across the stage at graduation not quite 7 months later everyone was in tears, teachers included. This story came to my mind because I’m getting an oil change right across the street from where my cousin and her family lived. When Tim died I vowed to keep our bucket list in tact to celebrate his life and I’ve been committed to that. So for me, I can’t just die because I long for Jesus, I feel I have to live as he’d want us to, even if that feels impossible on some days.



  2. Precious Lord, Loretta, I sorrow at your recount of the death of your cousin. I rejoice, though still with tears, at your recollection of your cousin’s commitment to her education in the aftermath of her mother’s tragic death.

    And your word — no dying, but rather living for Jesus — yes, this’ll preach!


    Liked by 1 person

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